From My Heart


January 2010

True Love 2 – Ikhlas

Disclaimer: This is not educational material. Just sharing my ten-cents worth with fellow brothers and sisters.

It’s a known fact that Islam has been painted badly to the world, mainly by our own people, and of course by some Western leaders. We are the unwanted terrorists, over-reacting, and extremely sensitive (not in a good way). We always respond with anger.

When actually, Islam is about love.

Some months ago, someone told me that our doings in this life is not based on dosa and pahala. Sins and good deeds. She was taught by a guru whom I began to trust at that time. Sadly she did not elaborate more. But I do agree with her, though.

Not to say that there are grey areas. Islam is a clear and simple way of life. Mentioning the sins and good deeds are actually guidelines to our daily life. Grey areas are created when Islam is mixed with cultural traditions and secular confusion.

I have recently heard too much of ‘being a good wife’ and ‘sacrifice’ and ‘tolerance’ and all related stuff. About being closer to God, about being solemn and focused on one goal – that is, emm, heaven. Sins, good deeds, hell and heaven. Or just barakah? A concept that may be simple, or may be difficult, to grasp.

You see….

When a mother wakes up at night because her baby cried, did she do it out of love, or for pahala?

When a wife cooks for her husband and children, did she do it out of love, or for pahala?

When one recites the full selawat for Rasulullah SAW, is it out of pure love for our beloved gentleman, or to gain a point of good deeds?

When one handed a tray of complete meal to the hungry family next door, is it because one loved this family, or to gain a point of entry to heaven?

When one stands up and pray in the midnight, is it to offer thanks to Allah, to appreciate His Power by asking Him for His help, or to gain another point of entry to the jannah?

When a husband guides his wife on the way of life, is it to save himself from the hell, or to help her build a life full of barakah, a family blessed with His Rahmat, because he loves her so much?

When a son gives his mother some allowance, some money every month, is it because he appreciates her, or because he wanted to get brownie points from his mum, so that his life won’t be miserable?

When a mother lets her son marry the girl he loves (and stay away from her home), did she do it as a sacrifice, or because she loves him so much that she’s happy seeing both of them happy?

To be honest, I’m not exactly someone full of love, happy to have so many people around me. I was not a people person. But the more people I meet, the more friends I make, and most importantly, the closer I get to my family, I realized that I do have as much capacity to love as other people around me. Of course, some people are more friendly and loving than the others.

I found out that love is the way to sincerity. To honesty. Keikhlasan.

Because no other feeling in our heart is as pure as love.

I’m still learning to love, and I will always do.

I’ve learnt from a guru, a devout Christian, a wise Buddhist, a junior colleague, an old friend.

I’ve learnt from my parents, my family, my friends.

I’ve learnt from my patients.

And to continue learning, I will.

Let us all reach for the love deep inside our hearts, and feel, and make a difference in our lives.

Let’s hope and pray for His love, which is for eternity, never ending.

And let us smile to the world, because it is the beginning of love. 🙂

True Love

Auntie was 78 years old. Uncle is older than that. Auntie was down with cancer. So we took care of them both.

They have gone through so much in their lives together. They had two children – a daughter and a son. Sadly the girl passed away when she was very young. They adopted a daughter, which they brought up the way they would have a real daughter.

They grew older. Auntie had diabetes and hypertension. One fine day she had to have her left leg amputated because of the diabetes. That was twenty years ago. Uncle looked after her in every sense.

Then when she was 76 she had cancer. But she’s too old and unwell to have surgery, or chemotherapy. So she had to take hormone pills.

Her left hand and arm became swollen. It slowly became bigger and bigger. Uncle was worried. We gave the usual advice.

She had more and more pain. She’s in and out of the hospital. When they’re in, uncle would walk to us and say hello, before we even start our rounds.

All the while, uncle was there with her. He’d walk with his stoop, get the lazy chair in the store, and lay it out beside her bed. He’d sleep there throughout the night. If she couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t sleep either. He’s so concerned about her, that we think that he may often overestimated the level of his wife’s pain.

We’d give some cream for muscle aches to his wife. He’d ask for one tube for himself, because his muscles ached too.

We’d give eye drops for her glaucoma. He needed some for himself too.

In the morning he’d carry her on to the wheelchair, and push her to the bathroom for her bath. He’d feed her if she’s too tired to eat.

Lately she’s been quite ill. She was getting weaker. After two years the cancer has finally taken away almost all of her energy.

She can’t sit up. She sleeps through the day and night. Uncle would feed her porridge in the morning. Then her medications. One by one. Slowly.

Days go by. Auntie was just too weak to even wake up. He’d force her to eat. To drink. To take her medications.

One morning I approached her bed during rounds. He was putting a syringe of methadone on her lips, with a trembling and frustrated voice, a worried face, he told her to open her mouth, “take your drugs. Or else you’ll be in pain.”

I just couldn’t go near. I went off to see another person first.

When I finally get to her, she was drowsy. Uncle said hello to me. Then he woke her up. Again, with a trembling and frustrated voice, with a worried face. She fluttered her eyes open for a few seconds, then shut them back. She’s just too tired. I said, “It’s ok uncle. It’s ok.”

He looked at her sadly.

With teary eyes he turned to me.

“She just wouldn’t eat. She did not eat a single thing yesterday. I’ve just made her some coffee, and she took only a few drops.”

I just looked into his eyes. Such love.

I let him talk about her pain. Her difficulty to swallow. Her sleep. Her breathing. I didn’t talk. I couldn’t talk.

Day in. Day out.

And a few days ago she passed away. With him sleeping by her side.

* * *

Boss said he’s a devoted husband.

We’d say it’s true love.

* * *

Di mana ‘kan ku cari ganti

Serupa denganmu

Tak sanggup ku berpisah

Dan berhati patah

Hidup derita

Alangkah sedih rasa hati

Selama kau pergi

Tinggal ku sendirian

Tiada berteman

Dalam kesepian

Dunia terang menjadi gelita

Cahaya indah tiada berguna

Keluhan hatiku menambah derita

Kini kau pula tak kunjung jelma

Di mana kan ku cari ganti

Mungkinkah di syurga?

Untuk kawan berduka, menangis bersama

Selama lama…..


Everyone close enough to me would know that 2009 has not been the best year for me. Well, sort of. To go through what I have gone through was no fun, absolutely no fun at all, and certainly it’s not funny. Yet I did make a lot of jokes out of it, although most of them are sarcastic in nature. I dare not mention the heartbreak and the loss, even to myself,although I have acknowledged and accepted that the feeling will be there, maybe for a long time.

However I did get up from the fall.
Wounds do heal, although with a scar. The scar that I covered with loads of concealer. Loads of it.
People move on, and so do I.

It may have been one very significant loss in my life, but guess what, I gained a lot more after that. The world opened up to me. The sun shines brighter and even the rain is beautiful. The loss was, in some ways, enlightening. The sadness, although harrowing, it is fulfilling. It may be what my soul needs at this point of time.

When I think about it, it is not just one loss, I lost a few…but anyway…

The most important thing is, it made me realise that there’s so much love in my life that I have never noticed before.
I never knew that so many people actually cared about me, loved me.
To quote a movie, “Love actually, IS, all around.”
And I never knew that I could love them back, with all my heart, even more than I ever would before.
I realised that there’s so much love around me. I have never felt appreciated and needed like this. I have never felt as belonged and missed like this before.
Yes, that one person may have meant a lot to me, but now I have even MORE reasons to live. To live happily.

I won’t mention names, but you all know who you are.

It made me discover who I am really. My personality. My response to the surrounding, and more importantly, why I respond in such ways.
It opened up my abilities, my character, and made me see my shortcomings too.
I learnt to feel for myself, to look deep inside me, to be true to who I am, and turn everything negative to positive.
In short, I get to know myself a bit better now.

When I look back again, hey, it has not been a totally bad year after all. It’s a good year, with a major glitch in the middle.

Thank you, everyone, for everything.
Thank you for your love, it means so much to me.
Thank you for your appreciation, even though by means of a smile.

I hope and pray that all of us will have a better year this 2010, no matter how wonderful, or how bad it has been in 2009.
Here’s for a fulfilling, enlightening, and happy new year.

My love for all.
And my smiles too. 🙂

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