Written on 2nd September 2010

I have not started my revision tonight, but I’m beginning to talk nonsense.

I have a good reason. I’ve been up since 5am and been working since 6.45am today, until 6.45pm. Tough day, busy day, feeling like boss is breathing down my neck (although he’s not) because of Tuesday’s issues. Had to bring up the quality of my work again.

But today has been a satisfying day. Hectic, but satisfying.

Tomorrow is another story. It’s another wonderful journey (hopefully) and I hope and pray God will give me the strength to go through it.

Somehow my dreams could really influence my days and my feelings. Like last week. I had a beautiful dream with a sad background. I was in Sabah, riding around in a car, holding hands with a man. Not Mr He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named who brought me there more than three years ago.

It was wondeful, the dream last week, and the reality all those years ago. But I don’t know when will I ever enjoy myself like that again…in my dreams I was happy but I was a tad anxious – I was hoping that he was happy too. Maybe I’m too anxious in a relationship. Any relationship, that is. Maybe I should just let go and be myself, because maybe “myself” is the most wonderful person although she has flaws.

Maybe. But I’m still scared.

Talk about not knowing myself…
Funnily there’s so much I don’t know about myself that sometimes I had to learn the hard way. But not all the time, of course.
At times I can have this very strong instinct, and a lot of times I wished I have followed this sixth sense of mine.
I didn’t know that I can be very chirpy and jovial whenever I’m happy and relaxed, and I get mum when I’m anxious or relaxed too. And I learnt it the hard way.
Or when I thought that I’m not too much of a caring person until someone told me that I actually seem to care…

I think I haven’t taught Jaspal enough things but she’s learning fast enough anyway. We created a few new systems so she didn’t have to adapt to the old ones. She’s amazing with the patients. But yes, I think I still have a lot to tell her. Although maybe our ‘jonah’ness has kept the learning process going through hands-on stuff.

We ate too much after a tiring day and I got very sleepy.
Now after rambling I’m feeling more fresh, I could start my studying and all else.

Oh, and do be cheerful, ok. It’s Ramadhan. What can be better than this?

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