Written on 15th May 2010, 0136hrs

Within the past four years, so many things has happened in my life. Things that changed my life entirely, turned my life upside down, and downside up, opened my mind, touched my heart, made me paranoid…so much joy and pain. Thing is, my attitude towards things is often to feel it, do what I have to do, then go on with my life. At times what I feel very deep inside my heart may no show on my face. Some even accused me for ‘not feeling our loss’ but they may not see it deeply..


I know some people close to me said it seemed easy for me. Well, I had a lot of support. But then agai, I’m wearing my heart on my sleeves half the time, and this is one of it: I just want to go on with my life.

You know, there are things that have happened to me, that I don’t want them to happen to anyone at all. Somehow when it they do happen, they really touch my heart.

It would really move that deepest part on my soul that I rarely visit, the deepest part that said “I’m sad and this cannot be happening”, this part of my being that said “why us???”.

Like when she’s pregnant and had no appetite to eat at all and cried because she’s worried that she might lose the baby too, for the fourth time..
Or when they actually lost their babies.
Or when his baby was born and I fell in love with the little child.
Or when I saw this photo of this kid hugging his newly born brother.
Or when they had a fight and thought they’ve had enough of each other.
Or when she had to leave for a few months to Japan, when she’s just gotten married.
When Uncle Ong died and I miss him till now.
Or when I see them sad because of what has happened to me…

And those are the moments when I know how I have been feeling for the past four years.