Maria’s up at 1am again.
Yes, I know. The title is so…blatant and bold and all..but I’ve been compelled to write this since this afternoon, morning, in fact.
I’ve noticed that lately it has been easy to think about leaving a relationship. A marriage, to be exact. So many couples fight around me and some even put it up on their Facebook status on how they can’t stand it anymore, how they think that quitting might just be the way to save their sanity. It’s alarming how, for many, easy it may seem to just get it over and done with and divorce their partners.
Divorce rates are up and climbing. We all know that. Hell, yeah, what’s another one? They all seemed to move on, don’t they? Someone quoted to me before, “You know, my masters program senior, this guy, is divorced. He was only married for a few months.” A few months later he himself left his wife.
Is it some kind of a trend?
“Yeah, why not? I’m not happy with you, and you’re not happy with me either. There’s obviously no other way for us.”
Wait a minute.
My dear friends, it’s not that simple. And I’m not even talking about the kids.
You know, I wish that these kinds of thoughts would never cross anyone’s minds. Even temporarily. It looks like a couple has had a few fights, hurt each other’s feelings, found it difficult to forgive, ended up thinking “whether or not I should leave”.
It seemed like there are certain traits of the significant other’s personality just do not fit with that other person, and there’s no way they can work around it.
It may have looked like one person wanted to change the other person so much.
Expectations may have run high. What do you expect from a couple who are pretty much nice people, very polite, responsible, smart, and maybe look good? Of course a perfect relationship. But things don’t often turn that way, do they?
It scares me to the core when a person says that he/she is “thinking of leaving this whole s***”.
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. These are times when we want everything perfect. These are times when our parents have managed to mold us into this ‘perfect person’ and we want things to be even more flawless for our own relationships.
Well, it doesn’t work that way.
We are all human beings. We have our own imperfections and shortcomings, no matter how impeccable we may seem. Insecurities, jealousy, just plain stranger anxiety, temper, and the list goes on and on. Some people find it difficult to get comfortable in a relationship, and it may take months to years for them to build a strong tie with another person.
Of course, being a human being is not an excuse to make mistakes. We learn, we adapt. We take time to learn and adapt. Being the person we have been for more than 25 years, one day we marry someone and that someone wants us to change some parts of us, the personality that made us who we are now, that person who’s loved by his/her partner, family and friends. Would that expected change be made in a couple of months time? Would it be fair to expect someone to be ANOTHER person, when the person you’ve fallen in love with was this person next to you?
Now when they keep irritating each other’s guts up for so many reasons, they want to call it quits. Or at least one of them would think of leaving.
Is that really all that can be done?
Have we tried this or that?
Is it really that simple?
I’m telling you, no it’s not. I know some might think that’s it’s going to be over the minute they say good bye, all the emotional burden and stress would be gone once the person is gone.
I’m sorry to say that it’s not that easy. Really, it’s such a short-sighted, narrow-minded thing to think like that.
“You and I can always find another love.”
Well, of course.
With strong support from loving family and friends, people can move on pretty well. I know that some may appear to have handled it very well, some appeared happier than when they were attached with that not-so-significant-anymore other, some ARE happier than they were in married life.
Happier? Maybe. But it’s a sad fact. Why did the couple so in love with each other ended up not being happy with each other? Somehow they ended up happier outside the marriage?
It still is not as it seems to be.
I know I can’t change anyone’s mind. I know that some of my friends, whoever they are, may still think of leaving, children or no children. But at least, this is what I know. And I’m telling you now, before it’s too late.
It’s not like you can leave your partner today and peacefully study for your exams tomorrow.
And it’s not like some of you can bring yourselves to tell your family and friends that you are divorced.
When you think of leaving, do you think you can be thick-skinned about stuff? A whole lot of stuff, that is.
The court visits. The properties, if any. The kids. Always the kids.
The anger, the sadness, the depression.
If you think that the anger will subside when you leave that person, well, think twice. Think many many times.
If you think that your friend/relative appears to have moved on pretty well, think again. Maybe they have, but then again, it’s not that simple. It is never easy.
And hey, this is Facebook generation. Wouldn’t a person want to appear happy no matter what has happened in their lives?
To be honest, I do get scared when my friends say that they are “thinking of leaving”.
Because, I’m telling you, it’s not as easy as it may appear to be.
* * *Mama please stop crying, I can’t stand the soundYour pain is painful and it’s tearing me downI hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bedI told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you said
You fight about money, about me and my brotherAnd this I come home to, this is my shelted
It ain’t easy, growing in a World War IIINever knowing what love could beYou’ll seeI don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family
Can we work it out?Can we be a family?I promise I’ll be betterMommy, I’ll do anything
Can we work it out?Can we be a family?I promise I’ll be betterDaddy, please don’t leave
Daddy please stop yelling, I can’t stand the soundMake mama stop crying coz I need you aroundMy mama, she loves you, no matter what she says is trueI know that she hurts you but remember I love you too
I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran awayDon’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have no choice, no way
In our family portrait, we look pretty happyLet’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes naturallyI don’t wanna have to split the holidaysI don’t want two addressesI don’t want a stepbrother anywaysAnd I don’t want my mommy to have to change her last name…
In our family portrait, we look pretty happyWe look pretty normalLet’s go back to that
Mama will be nicerI’ll be so much betterI’ll tell my brother, I won’t spill the milk at dinner
I’ll be so much better, I’ll do everything rightI’ll be your little girl forever, I’ll go to sleep at night..