It’s going to be a very sad night for some….very very sad…

I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never experienced a loss. This year I’ve been on multiple roller coaster rides, and although it’s no fun, but it’s enlightening….in some ways, it is.

Knowing that one is going away, and may never come back.
Coming back to an empty space one used to call home.
That feeling of falling into a dark hole and climbing back out, just to be pulled in again.

The denial. Telling yourself that it’s not happening. Telling yourself that something else will come along and everything will come back to normal.

The hope – looking for signs of it, and holding on to it too. Even though it’s just a glimmer. It may have just been a mirage.

The anger. Or the temper. The palpitations when one tiny thing goes wrong. The emotions when something gets out of ordinary. Because you just want to stick to the normal ordinary routine, because life has to go on.

The fight.
It’s always the fight.
Fighting for life. Fighting for love. Any difference? There may not be any.
At times one is so busy fighting that one does not know what he/she’s fighting for.
Maybe it’s life. Survival. Maybe it’s love. Maybe just nothing.

One wonders….
If you know that someone is going, maybe forever…would you want to spend the last moments together, in peace and quiet, so that the memory lingers on as a good memory….?
Or would you want to keep fighting, keep pushing, even though that person is just slipping away without you being able to say goodbye…..?

The worry. The anxiety.
I was so scared to loose someone. I was just scared. I looked at life fading away around me. I was not able to imagine what my life would be like to loose that someone. I was scared, and without knowing it, the emotions pushed me further away from the people I love.

Now that they have gone I realised that life DOES go on. People move on. And so do I.
They say “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”
I may appear to be strong right now.
But I wouldn’t know….if I have to face another loss again….I wouldn’t know…
Then again, we all would have suffered many losses before we move on to the next life, wouldn’t we?

Scary, is it not?

It’s all borrowed to us.
Our loved ones, our health, our money….it’s all borrowed.
They will be taken away, one by one, for sure.

Maybe my losses are not as big as other’s. When I look around me, I know that I’m still one of the luckiest person alive.
But it won’t stop me from mourning. Like tonight. Because someone I love told me, “Maybe their losses are bigger than yours, but that doesn’t mean it’s not significant.