Someone once told me to be honest to myself.
But have I ever told you what happened when I was being honest?

I’ve never been a good liar. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in lies. Honesty is always the best policy. It pays to be honest. And to lie is to start a cycle of lies and guilt that may never end.

A friend of mine asked one day, why is it that it’s difficult for people to tell the truth?

Again, have I ever told you what happened when I was being honest?
Let me tell you what my heart said.

“When I was being myself, you wanted to change me.
You can’t accept me for who I am, because I’m too quiet and too independent and too smart and have common sense (which is actually not so common) and I don’t complain about small things often enough.
Because apparently I have a temper.
Because apparently when I speak it meant I was defiant.”

“When I was being honest nobody liked me.
Because as myself, I would’ve let my brothers and sisters find their own way out and back home.
I wouldn’t drive them to and from school because they must try and do it themselves.
I hide some things from my parents because I don’t want them to worry. And sometimes I think it’s too personal.
I was independent because I don’t want to bother anyone, unless necessary. Darling, if I’m paralysed of course I would call for help. Because I’m thankful that I have two legs and a brain.
When I was being honest I would say I’m sorry I’m already full to the brim. I can’t eat anymore.”

“So does being courteous mean being a good liar then?
Of course I refused to be that person.
Because that person is not me.”

“When I was being honest you didn’t like my answers.
You assumed that I was a liar and had something to hide.
So I told you what you wanted to hear. But THAT is a lie.
Oh, and you can’t handle the truth too.”

“When I told you I was in pain, all you have in mind was I am sinful. So I have to pay for my sins.
When I told you someone got into an accident, you said that person bought the car with unlawful money.
When I told you someone got hit and robbed and injured, you said that person must have done wrong to someone else, that’s why they are in grave danger.
When I talked about people getting epidural during child birth, you said that person is no good because she’s afraid of pain.”

How am I supposed to talk, then?
How am I supposed to be honest?
When you can’t handle the truth?
When you are being so judgemental that it hurts even to think?

Appalling, isn’t it?

Should I lie to please?
I might as well shut up and go away.

M Nasir once said years and years ago.
Why try to be courteous when it means you have to be a hypocrite?
Part of me agreed with him.

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