I was driving back from work this morning and the song “Aku Cinta Padamu” by Siti Nurhaliza was aired in the radio. I don’t know how the song managed to win the Anugerah Juara Lagu some 10 years ago, despite it being suspiciously similar to Celine Dion’s “I Love You”. Usually I would change the channel if this song comes up (not that I hate Siti Nurhaliza), but today I carried on listening. Maybe it’s just for me to shout along in the car.

I didn’t mean to write about that today, actually. I just had the inspiration on starting my notes this time.

You know, this week I had this “romantic” kind of inclincation. Not exactly that 18sx kind of way, but more of this cosy, comfortable and breezy feel following me around.

Like on Wednesday. Our hospital held a Raya-Deepavali lunch in the sports complex. The food were inside, and chairs were lined up outside in the corridors. There are tall shady trees surrounding that area.

I was a breezy day. My Palliative colleagues and I were not too busy that afternoon. So we lingered a bit longer after lunch.

The I saw this one physician and his female colleague, sitting near each other with just one chair in between, talking, discussing. They were well outside earshot and it’s just the two of them on that corridor. Somehow, they appeared so comfortable, at ease with the day and the climate, softly talking about things. I said to my friends, “I know they’re just colleagues, but the whole picture is so romantic.” Maybe it’s just me. I just love this kind of ambience.

A bit later in the afternoon, when we became a bit busier, we went up to another ward to review a patient. Then I saw a male colleague explaining to a female patient’s relative about something, I guess it’s a diagnosis. He was patiently showing her diagrams, and after that they continued discussing, him with a concerned face, and she was listening and asking and listening again, standing quite close to each other. Again, I know there’s absolutely nothing going on there but I seemed like they were so engrossed in a conversation that everything else around them is not important anymore.

I don’t know why I had those thoughts.

Maybe I spent so much time in the gazebo beneath all those durian trees, with wind softly blowing the cool air, and beloved family around.

Maybe it’s the songs I listened to.

Maybe I was so into sharpening my communication skills that I imagined myself talking, and listening, and talking…..listening and accepting with open mind and open heart, talking in a manner furthest away from being judgemental or prejudicial or suspicious or overly sensitive. Showing that I care instead of being half-listening and half-hearted. I know I have so much to learn still.

Or maybe it’s just a phase. A mixed happy-blissful-euphoric-melancholic phase.

No matter why, I’d just enjoy this peaceful feeling while it lasts.

* * *

“Di sini kau dan aku terbiasa bersama menjalani kasih sayang….bahagia ku denganmu….”

‘My Heart’ is an almost perfectly beautiful song by Acha Septriasa and Irwanshah. It reminds me of the time I’ve just started working. Selayang Hospital looming into view when I drive up there. The empty and lonely hostel room that I stayed in regularly for about half a year. That void but happy feeling I had at that time. And the beautiful moments that followed.

It’s all gone but the hospital is still there, with me working in it. It’s been three years by now. Three muddled years ago…who would’ve ever thought…..?

I’d cherish the beauty, and leave behind the dark thoughts. Anyway, that’s what life is all about. To not face the trials and tribulations means to stand back and watch life to go by. I’ll just soldier on, I’d strive to give meaning to everything I do.

“Bilah yang tertulis untukmu adalah yang terbaik untukku, akan ku jadikan kau kenangan yang terindah dalam hidupku. Namun takkan mudah bagiku meninggalkan jejak hidupmu yang telah terlukis abadi sebagai kenangan yang terindah…..”

Wow. Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine.